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[07 May 2005|11:06am] |
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[30 Apr 2005|10:45am] |
I used to make up my own insults. Now I read The Economist.
Fog in the Channel
The British guide to what the French really mean has a narrower aim: it was written specifically for officials the meetings of the European Union's Council of Ministers, where diplomats haggle over legal texts. The boredom and frustration which this sort of exercise can induce comes through very clearly in the authors' sarcastic observations.
No less obvious is the fact that ideas about plain speaking do no travel easily across the Channel. As the Brits see things, a Frenchman who says "je serai clair" (which literally means "I will be clear") should be understood as meaning: "I will be rude". Also evident is the Anglo-Saxons' contempt for spectacular gestures a la franaise. The phrase "Il faut la visibilite Europeenne" ("We need European visibility") is rendered as: "The EU must indulge in some pointless, annoying and, with luck, damaging international grand-standing." The British also suggest that the sentence "Il faut trouver une solution pragmatique" (literal translation: "We must find a pragmatic solution") should be understood as meaning: "Warning: I am about to propose a highly complex, theoretical, legalistic and unworkable way forward."
The British, the French and Dutch are old sparring partners who know each other's little ways. So the capacity for misunderstanding is amplified when nationalities that are less familiar with each other come into contact. Often the problems are less to do with the meanings of words than with their unexpected impact on an audience. Take the European summit last December, when it fell to Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian prime minister, to try to wrap up sensitive negotiations ore a proposed constitution for the European Union.
When EU leader filed into lunch, they were braced for tough negotiation; so they were startled when Mr Berlusconi suggested that they discuss "football and women" -- and that Gerhard Schroeder, the German chancellor should lead the discussion, as he has been married four times. Some European diplomats concluded that Mr Berlusconi must have been deliberately bating Mr Schroeder. But the when Italian leader was questioned about his chairmanship at a press conference, he grew hot under the collar, pointing out that he would hardly have become a billionaire unless he was fully capable of chairing a meeting. And indeed his defenders say that in Italian business circles it can be perfectly normal to set a jocular and relaxed tone before a difficult meeting, by discussing last night's football, or even teasing your colleagues about their love lives.
These sorts of misunderstandings are unlikely to erased even if all Europe's political leaders and bureaucrats were both willing and able to speak English. But the ever-inventive Brussles is coming up with a solution of sorts through the emergence of "Euro-speak" -- a form of dead, bureaucratic English.
The joy of phrases like "qualified majority voting", "the community method" and "the commission's sole right of initiative" is that they are completely meaningless to all ordinary Europeans -- whether in translation of in the original. But, crucially, they are crystal-clear to insiders.
From here.
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[21 Aug 2004|04:15pm] |
The European Union: scientifically proven to be at least 6.5% more entertaining than any other geo-political bloc.
For those of you who can't be bothered to read the whole thing, you have to see the BEST tabloid headline ever, which appeared after Gerhard Schroeder decided not to go to Italy for his holidays after an Italian MP complained about their beaches being invaded by "hyper-nationalistic blondes":
'Basta! The Chancellor has had enough of pasta!'
Isn't that BRILLIANT?
Europeans unite in joyful disunity
July 12 2003
By Ian Black
Brussels
With politicians and commentators in two of the European Union's biggest states trading xenophobic abuse, the convention on the future of Europe decided at its final session that the soon-to-be-expanded bloc ought to have a motto.
Its choice - United in Diversity - came as:
• The head of Germany's ruling party followed the lead of his Chancellor and scrapped a holiday in Italy in protest at an Italian minister who referred to German tourists as "hyper-nationalistic blondes" who "loudly invaded" Italian beaches.
• A Swedish party leader apologised for saying the German Foreign Minister had been a terrorist.
• A Danish member bitterly denounced the convention for creating a "superstate".
The EU will also get an anthem - Beethoven's Ode to Joy.
Ending 17 months' work on a draft constitution for the EU, former French president Valery Giscard d'Estaing said: "I launch an appeal to politicians in Europe: citizens say yes to our constitution. Do not respond by saying no."
Several of Europe's politicians were too busy snubbing each other to take notice.
In Berlin, Olaf Scholz, secretary of the Social Democrats, the senior partners in Germany's governing coalition, cancelled a holiday in Italy as the row between the two countries showed no signs of abating.
Mr Scholz's move, like that of Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, followed an article by the Italian minister responsible for tourism, Stefano Stefani, who described Germany as a "country intoxicated by arrogant certainties".
Astoi, a group representing Italian tour operators, said it feared a further drop in bookings by German holidaymakers, who are staying away because of the economic downturn. While some broadsheet commentators in Germany deplored the Chancellor's initiative, public opinion supported him. A poll showed 66 per cent backed his decision to stay at home. The tabloid Bild Zeitung yesterday had the front-page headline: "Basta! The Chancellor has had enough of pasta". It called on readers to join a protest by faxing Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi with demands for Mr Stefani's removal.
In an attempt to defuse the row, German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer said the relationship with Italy was "so good and so close (that it) must not be damaged by irresponsible comments".
On the other side of the Baltic, Swedish Foreign Minister Anna Lindh was deploring as "most painful" the description of Mr Fischer given to parliament by the leader of the Centre Party, Maud Olofsson. Responding to criticism for having invited a British Euro-sceptic to a seminar, Ms Olofsson noted that the integrationist Mr Fischer had also addressed a seminar organised by the ruling Social Democrats two days earlier. She added: "He was a terrorist. Shouldn't he have been allowed to come either?"
Mr Fischer, once a radical left-wing streetfighter, played a leading role in channelling the extra-parliamentary German left away from violence. Ms Olofsson said yesterday: "It was a mistake."
Despite a mood of historic self-congratulation, there was some bad feeling in the convention too, with complaints that France and Germany had hijacked the agenda to suit their own needs.
Jens-Peter Bonde, a Danish Euro-sceptic, opened his speech: "Congratulations on the new superstate!"
Mr Giscard d'Estaing steadfastly ignored the antics, preferring to strike an inscrutable note as the convention came to an end. He turned to the onyx Chinese tortoise with a dragon's head which has sat on the rostrum as a symbol of his stately but steady pace. "She guided us as she did the first Chinese emperor until we reached the river banks," he said and handed her some lettuce leaves.
- Guardian
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[16 Aug 2004|10:00pm] |
( These pictures fills me with joy. )
All right. Whoever comes up with a non-rude caption for ( this ) picture wins a prize of some sort. I'm serious. I will totally send away for a picture of Hugo Chavez or someone for you.
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[05 Aug 2004|12:51pm] |
I was cleaning out the memories of the other journal and found this -- was originally posted to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) russian_news (which is a great community when thing are actually getting posted). I thought it was quite good :)
Don't Shape Opinions in My Backyard
Michele A. Berdy
23 April 2004
Свободное выражение и формирование мнений: free expression and shaping of opinion (the objective of a public demonstration, from the law on public demonstrations)
Thank heaven for President Vladimir Putin! Once he put the kibosh on the law on public demonstrations, the 294 deputies who voted for it acted like they'd been slipped a Mickey Finn just before the vote. Jeez, did we vote for that?
For those of you who wondered what all the hoopla was about, I've excerpted a few articles from the law, operating on the principle, "Don't just translate what it says, translate what it means."
Законодательство Российской Федерации о публичном мероприятии основывается на Конституции Российской Федерации, общепризнанных принципах и нормах международного права.
What it says: The laws of the Russian Federation [hereafter: RF] on public demonstrations are based on the Constitution of the RF, commonly accepted principles and the norms of international law.
What it means: That sound about right to you, Vasya? Where's that law from North Korea?
Организатором (организаторами) публичного мероприятия могут быть граждане Российской Федерации.
What it says: The organizer(s) of a public demonstration can [only] be citizens of the RF.
What it means: Foreign students with a gripe can take it to their embassies.
Организатор (организаторы) публичного мероприятия имеет право: ... использовать звукоусиливающую аппаратуру и устройства ... с уровнем звука, соответствующим стан-дартам и нормам, установленным в Российской Федерации.
What it says: The organizer(s) of a public demonstration have the right: ... to use loudspeaker equipment and devices ... at a decibel level not exceeding standards and norms established in the RF.
What it means: Whispering, muttering and talking quietly are permitted; anything audible to anyone outside the rally may not be.
The strongest criticism of the law concerned where demonstrations can be held. In addition to places where there are legitimate security concerns, the law states that they cannot be held on: территории, непосредственно прилегающие к больницам, поликлиникам, детским дошкольным учреждениям, а также школам и другим общеобразовательным учреждениям (во время проведения в них занятий).
What it says: territories directly adjacent to hospitals, polyclinics, pre-schools, as well as schools and other educational institutions (during class hours).
What it means: If the lowest-paid state workers don't like their salaries, they can just lump it.
Предельный срок проведения публичного мероприятия одним и тем же организатором (организаторами) не должен подряд превышать пять дней.
What it says: The same organizer(s) cannot hold public demonstrations more than five days in a row.
What it means: You've had your fun, now go home.
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[04 Aug 2004|11:59pm] |
I'm tired and bored and researching my essay.
There are no excuses.
Readers' challenge: tell me in all seriousness that something is not going on between ( these two. )
That guy in the background of the first one is so jealous.
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[10 Jul 2004|06:31pm] |
Hi. Sorry this place has been so dead (though whether that really needs an apology or not is debateable). Hopefully postgrad politics will revive my will for this sort of thing, but in the meantime, they seem perfectly happy to entertain themselves:
LOOK AT THEM! Aren't they ADORABLE? This is does not necessarily mean I would VOTE FOR THEM if I were AMERICAN.
Also, dear Richard Armitage: I'll eat my hat before I take voting advice from someone who is a) a member of the Bush administration, and b) obviously made out of a series of balloons with a face drawn on.
I am a master of deep and insightful commentary, it is true.
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[24 Mar 2004|08:34pm] |
Also. Someone should totally write me Mark Latham/Kevin Rudd stuck-in-Papua New Guinea-when-the-VIP-jet-broke-down. Look, here's an inspirational picture:
Sorry for the poor picture quality. Please feel free to blame the shitastic scanner.
Bush/Kerry is suddenly my OTP. Don't go if you're like, squeamish.
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[27 Jan 2004|02:32pm] |
Sigh. I'm sorry. Blame the fact I'm terribly bored at work and cannot go surfing for pictures for the recent spate of self-indulgent text posts. I'd recommend you skip it, especially if you're not in Australia.
Top Ten Favourite Media Moments.
1. I’m sure Canberra IT is ruing the day they ever gave Mark Latham email access. Apart from his various epistemological adventures with Kevin Rudd, there is also this lovely sequence, following Craig Emerson’s email about the new $50 note being smaller than the old one, which was sent out by Simon Crean’s office:
Latham: What sort of shit is this? Do you feel embarrassed at having to send out this garbage?
Crean’s office: No, I feel embarrassed at receiving abusive emails.
Latham: Please take me off your distribution list for Emerson’s infantile stunts. They are an embarrassment to the public policy functions of the parliament. Thank you.
2. Crikey going Rudd’s media whoredom, with “that limpet who has to be prised off every studio seat in Australia, Kevin Rudd. The media love him … because, unlike Crean, you don’t have to actually chase him – he basically lives in a sleeping bag on the floor of the studio.”
3. Andrew Bolt’s unfathomable assertion that women should no longer be allowed to hold seats in parliament, because they’re more likely than men to practice witchcraft.
4. Mark Latham again, referring to allegations that journalist Piers Ackerman snorted cocaine: “At one level, it is surprising that a prominent and professional group like News Ltd. would maintain such a partisan and incompetent fool, but, as I mentioned earlier, their Second-Chance Drug Rehabilitation programme is to be commended.”
5. Then Telecommunications Minister Richard Alston once decided to announce via a live phone interview how fantastic a job he was doing at maintaining rural telephone facilities. The grandness of the occasion was sadly marred when the line went dead half way through.
6. Whenever I feel disheartened at the state of today’s Australian politics, I just remember that things have always been like this, and never any different. My first point of reference is 1970s South Australian premier Donny Dunstan, who one day arrived at parliament wearing fluorescent pink hotpants. However, as he was campaigning for homosexual rights, I will let him off. He then went on to utterly spoil it by deciding that the best way to convince journalists that he really was as sick as he claimed to be was to hold a press conference in his pyjamas.
7. More from Crikey, this time on everyone’s favourite topic, Mark Latham’s debateable mental health: “Many occupants of Parliament House worry about Mark Latham, the Enoch Powell of the Greater West. They do not so much worry about him going mad as how they can tell when he finally flips. Last week he shaved his hair into a mohawk and wandered the corridors muttering ‘You lookin’ at me?’ when he caught sight of his reflection.”
8. I never could quite work out what the media furore over Paul Keating supposedly snapping the Queen’s bra strap was all about. In any case, I think she secretly would have enjoyed it, the saucy wench.
9. The time Mark Latham asked Federal Treasurer Costello on a date via the press. When asked if he would be attending the upcoming Meat Loaf concert (Latham is, unsurprisingly, a fan of The Loaf), he replied that he would if Peter Costello bought him a ticket.
10. I have a new favourite cartoon, re Tony Abbott’s religious fruitcake response to Latham’s various mouthings off in parliament:
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[11 Jan 2004|01:59pm] |
When in doubt, go facetious.
And now, something funny from the Big Issue, because I'm lazy.
Labor Leadership Possibilities.
Simon Crean
Pros:
- Teeth better than they were
Cons:
- Loser
Kim Beazley
Pros:
- Santa-like
Cons:
- Complete absence of credibility
- Girl's name
- Loser
Bob Carr
Pros:
- Voice like liquid sex
- Brainiac
Cons:
- Hideous-looking
- Less experience of losing, may take it badly
Bob Hawke
Pros:
- Maaate! Everyone loves Hawkey!
Cons:
- Hair
- Will die soon
Mark 'vote for me or I'll break your fucking arm! You know I'll do it' Latham
Pros:
- Liberals terrified of him
Cons:
- Electorate terrified of him
Nobody
Pros:
- Polling well (comparatively)
Cons:
- Would leave Labor without actual leader
Well, I thought it was funny, anyway.
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| Yes, it's another text one, I'm afraid. |
[31 Dec 2003|11:42pm] |
I'd like to talk about someone very special.
He has achieved the impossible. Not only has be pulled the Labor Party's approval rating above 20%, he has made Australian politics slightly less snore-worthy.
His achievements to date:
- called John Howard an 'arselicker'.
- had a bit too much to drink and subsequently rugby tackled and broke the arm of a Sydney taxi driver following a dispute over the fare. He then disappeared into the backstreets of Bankstown at speed.
- once sent an email to Shadow Foreign Affairs Minister Kevin Rudd that opened 'Hey knucklehead'. Though they both now claim it was meant in an affectionate, boys-y way. Hence the commemorative icon *points*
- referred to the entire Liberal Party as 'a congaline of suckholes' to the US.
- referred to George Bush as 'the most flaky, dangerous and incompetent president in a generation', thus causing a 'diplomatic incident'.
- punched Tony Abbott in the face when Abbott made reference to his single testicle (the other was removed due to cancer).
- belted Craig Reucassel with a nerf bat then called him a 'Fucking idiot' on national television.
Mark Latham, leader of the ALP, we salute you!
Moscow in uproar as the Kremlin denies claims of an excessive hat budget.
Oh, shut up, it's the best I can do.
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[27 Dec 2003|10:40am] |
Sometimes, along comes a picture, and there's just so many jokes you want to make about it that you can't possibly make them all.
Sigh.
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[01 Nov 2003|10:47am] |
The real reason behind the Yukos affair: Putin tastes Western food.
Also: I would give credit, but I have no memory of where I got this from.
Thank you, o anonymous website.
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[09 Oct 2003|03:52pm] |
It's that time of year. Hence: Miscellaneous top ten lists!
1. Silvio Berlusconi: His first act upon receiving the rotating EU presidency was to call German politician Martin Schultz a Nazi, which then encouraged certain members of his administration to follow suit in a truly lemming-esque display. Was last heard claiming that Mussolini never actually killed anybody, he just sent them on holidays for a bit.
2. Saddam Hussein: Making a joke about his cult of personality, he once remarked "If your TV is broken, don't worry! Just stick my poster to the screen." The Axis o’ Hilarity lives on.
3. Boris Gryzlov: Once claimed in public that he would jump out of a window if Putin told him to. Thus putting an end to the allegations that Putin was going for loyalty over competence.
4. Mark Latham: I can forgive him all of his past wankerish behaviour just for his remark about the Liberal Party being a "conga-line of suckholes to the US."
5. Malcolm Fraser: The best thing he ever did for this country was turn up in a Tennessee hotel foyer with no pants on. FYI, the CIA has now categorically admitted to having a hand in ensuring Sir John Kerr followed his conscience in firing Gough Whitlam in 1975, thus allowing our pantless friend to become prime minister. Whitlam had, after all, undertaken the heinous acts of making higher education free, pulling Australia out of Vietnam without so much as a by-your-leave to the Americans, and had a habit of sticking up for Third World countries at WEF summits. What a complete and utter evil bastard.
6. Condoleezza Rice: She suggested that German foreign minister Joschka Fischer's past as a socialist rally organiser was 'inappropriate'. As opposed to serving on the board of an oil company that has received significant concessions under the administration you're now a part of, I suppose.
7. George Bush I: "When I need a little advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to country music." As one does. It explains a lot, actually.
8. John Profumo: Had an affair with showgirl Christine Keeler after they were introduced to each other by Dr Stephen Ward. Christine was, incidentally, also involved with Evgeny Ivanov, an attaché to the Soviet Embassy, and thus Profumo was accused of putting the national interest at risk. He denied the affair, then didn't, Ward committed suicide and the prime minister resigned. Such is life.
9. Seiichi Ota: Announced off-the-record to Japanese journalists during a rape trial that scantily-clad women were "asking for it". What a surprise when they reported it.
10. When Putin's backing party Unity (Edinstvo) merged with the Luzhkov/Primakov party Fatherland (Otechestvo), the Russian press suggested that an appropriate acronym for the new party would be 'Ediot'. I'm in love.
When politics turns nasty.
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[08 Sep 2003|08:57am] |
Today ve haff guest artiste, because I am a lazy sod. And because I laughed myself stupid at this:
Thanks to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) sqwirrel :D
[edited:] To add punkrockpea's fantabulous contribution:
Beacuse I'm currently snowed under with homework, please feel free to help me evade my responsibilities and make some pictures. I hanker for something I didn't do myself (ie. something good :). The world needs more world leader fanart.
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[06 Sep 2003|11:00am] |
Audience participation!
Feel free to imagine Saddam Hussein in conversation with the world leader of your choice:
Also, for aldenmacrae, Fischer/Schroeder: theirloveissosocialist OMG.
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